Archive for February, 2011

The Mossad shark, the Korova Milkbar Muslim kids & my Top Ten Great Middle Eastern Conspiracy Theories

Posted in Politics/Current Events, Pop Culture, Religion, Top Ten Lists with tags , , , , , , , on February 26, 2011 by Nicole Chardenet

The Middle East looooves its conspiracy theories.  There is no explanation for anything so rational that it can’t be explained better by a really whacked-out conspiracy theory.  I just had to laugh when Gaddafi shot off his mouth about who and what’s behind the protests and riots in his country (it couldn’t be his brutal, oppressive 41-years-of-relentless cruelty rule that had anything to do with it, of course!)  What was even better was when he blamed it all on Osama bin Laden, who was spiking the kids’ milk and Nescafe with drugs and teaching them to “misbehave”…!!!  Wait, haven’t I seen this movie before? Oh yeah, Alex & his droogs at the Korova Milkbar! Malcolm McDowell rules!!!

The world is full of nutty conspiracy theories, but the Middle East is more awash in them than even the U.S. Tea Party. Of course, there’s the all-time most popular one, starring the Middle East’s favourite enemy, scapegoat, and (hook-nosed, red-haired, bushy-eyebrowed) villainously villainous villains, the Jews:

10.  THE JEWS WERE BEHIND 9/11The Jews are behind everything, of course, EXCEPT maybe the Middle Eastern desire for democracy – don’t know if it’s the Canadian media or not, but I’ve seen nothing to indicate that anyone’s blaming that on the Jews.  Gaddafi’s desire to blame it on Osama bin Laden is kinda weird, even for Gaddafi.  While I imagine there’s no love lost between the Colonel and Bin Laden – like Saddam Hussein, Gaddafi is probably too secular for Terrorist Boy’s taste – I’m surprised that neither Gaddafi nor any other tinpot dictator in the Middle East is blaming Middle Eastern unrest on those oh-so-convenient Jews.  Maybe that’s because the Jews are too busy herding more…

9.  MOSSAD-TRAINED EGYPTIAN-EATING SHARKS!The GPS-controlled sharks involved in recent attacks on tourists were “ocean sharks”, sez one of the great brains quoted in this article, so, he asks, what are they doing in Egyptian waters?!?! Especially since, as you can CLEARLY see by this map, Sharm el Sheikh, where these attacks took place, is located on the Red Sea!!! Not an ocean!!!  Those damn Jews!!!  Should they even be touching sharks?  Are they kosher???

8.  THERE ARE NO GAY PEOPLE IN IRANOkay, technically it’s not a conspiracy theory but it’s a lot funnier than Iran President Ahmadinajad’s fairly common Middle Eastern contention that the Holocaust never happened.  Maybe there’s a conspiracy in Iran to conceal the truth about gay people from the Prez?  And maybe it’s perpetuated by, I don’t know, Iranian gays?

7.  NOT JUST THE JEWS, BUT BUSH’S GOVERNMENT WAS BEHIND 9/11This theory, unfortunately, it shared by a number of too-far-to-the-lefties in the U.S. and Canada and is promoted by such outstanding intellectual minds as Charlie Sheen’s. “Yeah, fuckin’ fire me for saying this,” Sheen said in an interview recently as he wiped excess coke from his nose and downed half a bottle of Jack Daniels while beating the snot out of his girlfriend du jour.  “Ha ha, you can’t!  Because I’ve already gotten fired!  But Bush was behind 9/11.  He engineered the whole thing.  He’s that bright.  He attacked the World Trade Center with the help of the Jews and milk-crazed Libyans.  He’s a total prick.  He stole my tequila when I was in town for the Republican National Convention and then he got my sorry ass fired because he’s jealous that I marry hotter women than he does.”

6.  SADDAM WAS DRUGGED WHEN AMERICAN TROOPS CAPTURED HIMAnd not at all because he was a big scared wussy, because we all know big strong courageous knights of anti-imperialism cower in spider holes when their country is being attacked.  Which is why he didn’t fight back.  It was the drugs, maaaaan.  The Americans probably got them from Bin Laden.  Or the Jews.

5.  9/11 WAS FABRICATED TO REPLACE THE GHOST OF COMMUNISMI didn’t even know Communists had ghosts.  Is this, like, Lenin stalking Red Square at night?  Yuri Andropov playing ghost chess with Leonid Brezhnev in the park?  Or Fidel ambling through downtown Havana late at night when the moon is full? Oh wait, Castro’s still alive.  Well, he looks like a ghost, anyway, and he’s got one foot in the grave.  So he’s already like half a ghost.  But anyway, according to Bahraini Shura Council member Samira Rajab, Al-Qaeda doesn’t even exist.  It’s a fig newton of your imagination.  Rather like the Holocaust and Iranian gays.

4.  ARAFAT WAS POISONEDBy, of course, da Jewzzzzzzzz….Or maybe he really faked his own death and is hanging out on an island somewhere with JFK, Jim Morrison, Michael Jackson, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, John Lennon, Elvis Presley, and every other celebrity who “died” young, but really just couldn’t handle the fame.  So it’s entirely possible that after 75 years Arafat was just sick of the spotlight and all the bullshit with Hamas and Hezbollah and decided to say fuck it and fake it.  Except that’s not what happened, because he was murdered first.  By the Jews.  Who probably then engaged in the next nefarious Jewish plot…

3.  JEWS USE CHRISTIAN & MUSLIM BLOOD & BODY PARTS FOR PURIMAn oldie but a goodie!!!  The old Jewish blood libel. So still-useful, in fact, that even Sarah Palin invoked it, although as can be expected she misused it because she doesn’t understand what it actually is.  Anyway, the “Jewish vampires” enjoy and appreciate the pain they cause their victims, reports a Saudi Arabian newspaper.  No word yet on whether they sparkle and have fashionably mussy hair while they’re working.

2.  SAUDIS SNAG A SCURRILOUS SPY SCAVENGERDamn those Jews!!!  When they’re not training sharks to eat decent Egyptians they’re training vultures to spy on everyone!  The GPS attached to it by Tel Aviv University is absolute proof that it was spying on Saudi Arabia and not, obviously, because it was just a highly-intelligent and very geeky bird who had figured out a really really REALLY good way to waste less time honing in on its prey.  Of course, Israel trains a whole menagerie of animals to spy on the Middle East…

1. FOREIGNERS CAN MAKE YOUR PENIS DISAPPEAR BY SHAKING YOUR HANDObviously, the Jews are behind this one, too, but really, I think pretty much any foreigner can make a Sudanese penis disappear by vigorously shaking his hand.  Oh, the power…! 

I guess I should mention that while Googling on this stuff I had to start adding “-Glenn Beck” because every time I typed anything with “conspiracy theory” into Google I kept pulling up crap about Glenn Beck.  Go figger!

Drunk-ass zebra fish, spiders on drugs and the infamous Rat Mazola Party

Posted in Pop Culture, Science/Technology with tags , , , , , , on February 9, 2011 by Nicole Chardenet

Honestly, the things animals have to do to keep us humans educated.

I was at a school science fair several years ago and noted just how many family pets stood in for experimental critters in their young owners’ quest for greater scientific knowledge.  (Don’t worry, no animals were harmed during this science fair!  Although I can’t promise that several weren’t seriously annoyed.)  One rodent was subjected to classical music versus that of pop queen Brandy, some rabbit had its eyes and ears covered, and eventually Vaseline smeared on its snout (hopefully to inhibit scent) to determine how it picked out its favourite treat, and some fish were stressed out to see  whether calcium carbonate succeeded in calming them down.  Not that I’m entirely certain how to tell when a fish is stressed out – when he starts snapping at his wife?  Or when he goes postal in a tidal pool?

Anyway, it appears that fish were once again called upon for the Cause of Science in a fun experiment that involved getting them completely hammered. With alcohol, I mean, not an actual hammer!  No zebra fish were harmed during this experiment, unless you count the ones who joined AA afterward and the others drowning their sorrows in some cheap, sleazy, oyster bar.  What we’ve learned is that some vague behavioral changes occur when zebra fish drink too much.  I can only speculate as to what those changes are, but I’ll bet it involved a lot of bar brawls and Budweiser bellies.

I can’t show you what zebra fish look like when they’re getting completely s**t-faced at some university’s grant committee’s expense while head-bobbing to Walk This Way and mumbling, “Duuuuude! I love you man, I want you to know that! You’re like a brother to me!”, but I can show you what Spiders On Drugs look like:

And finally, there’s the story of the Rat Mazola Party.  A story which demonstrates that, like the zebra fish & the spiders getting drunk and stoned at human researchers’ expense, that animals have a lot more fun in scientific experiments than PETA would have you believe.

When I was in college, I took a Motivational Psychology course which was really not all that interesting until the day we got to the Rat Mazola Party experiment.  According to the prof, there was some research group somewhere that wanted to know why rats were so tactile with each other – always crawling all over each other in a cage.  So one scientist decided to figure out why.  He theorized that hearing had something to do with it, so he plugged up a couple of rats’ ears and put them in the cage.  No change, they were all over each other.  So he speculated that maybe smell had something to do with it.  So he plugged up their noses but no, they were still all over each other.  So then he thought well maybe the fur has something to do with it – so he shaved a couple of rats or, more likely, according to the prof, got some hapless grad-ass to do it for him.  Said prof actually saw the rats in this experiment and reports that they were shaved except for their faces and around their heinies – they looked like little bald, naked lions.  But still, the rats were all over each other!  So finally he thought, well maybe they just don’t feel gross enough.  So he bathed them both in vegetable oil.  And that made them even MORE attractive to each other, they crawled all over each other licking like crazy.

The entire class was in hysterics at this point.

What these poor furry (or finny) critters won’t do to keep us in the know.  All I want to know is, where can I sign up to be a lab animal?

Top Ten totally geeky things I learned today on the subway…

Posted in Geeks/Nerds, Pop Culture, Science/Technology, Top Ten Lists with tags , , , on February 3, 2011 by Nicole Chardenet

…While reading The Geeks’ Guide To World Domination.  Yes, this is a real book and I do in fact have one!  And I do intend to dominate the world.  Some day.  No frickin’ sharks with frickin’ lasers on their heads required, either…that is sooooooo 1990s…

1.  Six English phrases you can spell out on a calculator.  I have very vague memories of doing this a long time ago (the 1970s) in a galaxy far, far away (Florida), with my Dad’s calculator, which I wasn’t allowed otherwise allowed to touch because it cost like $60 and it wasn’t a toy!!!

2.  The Toxoplasma gondii parasite needs to reproduce in a cat’s stomach.  To get there, it infects a rat, and then rewires the poor bugger’s brain to develop a yen for cat urine, which puts in in the territory, of course, of a cat.  Cat catches rodent, cat eats rodent, ta-daaaaa! It’s sexy time!!!!

3.  “Aia I hea ka lumi ho’opaupilikia?” (“Where are the restrooms?” in Hawaiian)  I wish we had them on the subway, even if we don’t speak Hawaiian here in Toronto.

4.  The physicist Richard Feynmann was kind of an asshole when he was a kid, as he would up-end two glasses of water with the waitress’s tip – a nickel in each one – a good tip back then – inside (by placing a card or menu over the top; then turn it upside down on the table & slide the card or menu out from under it).  Apparently mam’zelle didn’t catch on as to how to retrieve the tip without spilling the water, which would have been to hold a bowl at the edge of the table and slide the glass over to it.

5.  There is such a thing as “weird numbers” – This is one in which the sum of its divisors is more than the number itself and no combination of the divisors adds up to the number.  No, I don’t really understand this but it sounds geeky and cool, and it validates my long-held belief that math is completely f**ked up.  There may be no such thing as “weird numbers” but there are definitely “imaginary numbers” and they use them to build bridges. Think about that the next time you’re going over the Tappan Zee.

6.  There are nine Australian animals that many people believe don’t exist: The echidna, platypus, bandicoot, bilby, cuscus, cuttlefish, tree kangaroo, numbat and dasyure.  I’ll admit I haven’t heard of the bilby, cuscus, numbat, or dasyure, but I have no reason to doubt their existence.  I do, however, doubt Australia’s existence.

7. How to read a Chinese abacus.  (Handy if you ever accidentally slip back into 1000 B.C. (Before Calculators)

8.  The highest-scoring word in Scrabble is Q-U-I-Z-Z-I-F-Y, if you have the blank tablet you need for the extra ‘Z’, and you’re British, since that word isn’t found in most normal (i.e., North American) dictionaries.

9.  You can sleep on your arm for at least four hours before losing it to gangrene, but it’s not recommended to push it over an hour and a half.

10. There are six easy steps to file a patent, and one hefty filing charge.

There now.  Don’t you feel all geeky and enlightened?  You’re welcome.


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