The Mossad shark, the Korova Milkbar Muslim kids & my Top Ten Great Middle Eastern Conspiracy Theories

The Middle East looooves its conspiracy theories.  There is no explanation for anything so rational that it can’t be explained better by a really whacked-out conspiracy theory.  I just had to laugh when Gaddafi shot off his mouth about who and what’s behind the protests and riots in his country (it couldn’t be his brutal, oppressive 41-years-of-relentless cruelty rule that had anything to do with it, of course!)  What was even better was when he blamed it all on Osama bin Laden, who was spiking the kids’ milk and Nescafe with drugs and teaching them to “misbehave”…!!!  Wait, haven’t I seen this movie before? Oh yeah, Alex & his droogs at the Korova Milkbar! Malcolm McDowell rules!!!

The world is full of nutty conspiracy theories, but the Middle East is more awash in them than even the U.S. Tea Party. Of course, there’s the all-time most popular one, starring the Middle East’s favourite enemy, scapegoat, and (hook-nosed, red-haired, bushy-eyebrowed) villainously villainous villains, the Jews:

10.  THE JEWS WERE BEHIND 9/11The Jews are behind everything, of course, EXCEPT maybe the Middle Eastern desire for democracy – don’t know if it’s the Canadian media or not, but I’ve seen nothing to indicate that anyone’s blaming that on the Jews.  Gaddafi’s desire to blame it on Osama bin Laden is kinda weird, even for Gaddafi.  While I imagine there’s no love lost between the Colonel and Bin Laden – like Saddam Hussein, Gaddafi is probably too secular for Terrorist Boy’s taste – I’m surprised that neither Gaddafi nor any other tinpot dictator in the Middle East is blaming Middle Eastern unrest on those oh-so-convenient Jews.  Maybe that’s because the Jews are too busy herding more…

9.  MOSSAD-TRAINED EGYPTIAN-EATING SHARKS!The GPS-controlled sharks involved in recent attacks on tourists were “ocean sharks”, sez one of the great brains quoted in this article, so, he asks, what are they doing in Egyptian waters?!?! Especially since, as you can CLEARLY see by this map, Sharm el Sheikh, where these attacks took place, is located on the Red Sea!!! Not an ocean!!!  Those damn Jews!!!  Should they even be touching sharks?  Are they kosher???

8.  THERE ARE NO GAY PEOPLE IN IRANOkay, technically it’s not a conspiracy theory but it’s a lot funnier than Iran President Ahmadinajad’s fairly common Middle Eastern contention that the Holocaust never happened.  Maybe there’s a conspiracy in Iran to conceal the truth about gay people from the Prez?  And maybe it’s perpetuated by, I don’t know, Iranian gays?

7.  NOT JUST THE JEWS, BUT BUSH’S GOVERNMENT WAS BEHIND 9/11This theory, unfortunately, it shared by a number of too-far-to-the-lefties in the U.S. and Canada and is promoted by such outstanding intellectual minds as Charlie Sheen’s. “Yeah, fuckin’ fire me for saying this,” Sheen said in an interview recently as he wiped excess coke from his nose and downed half a bottle of Jack Daniels while beating the snot out of his girlfriend du jour.  “Ha ha, you can’t!  Because I’ve already gotten fired!  But Bush was behind 9/11.  He engineered the whole thing.  He’s that bright.  He attacked the World Trade Center with the help of the Jews and milk-crazed Libyans.  He’s a total prick.  He stole my tequila when I was in town for the Republican National Convention and then he got my sorry ass fired because he’s jealous that I marry hotter women than he does.”

6.  SADDAM WAS DRUGGED WHEN AMERICAN TROOPS CAPTURED HIMAnd not at all because he was a big scared wussy, because we all know big strong courageous knights of anti-imperialism cower in spider holes when their country is being attacked.  Which is why he didn’t fight back.  It was the drugs, maaaaan.  The Americans probably got them from Bin Laden.  Or the Jews.

5.  9/11 WAS FABRICATED TO REPLACE THE GHOST OF COMMUNISMI didn’t even know Communists had ghosts.  Is this, like, Lenin stalking Red Square at night?  Yuri Andropov playing ghost chess with Leonid Brezhnev in the park?  Or Fidel ambling through downtown Havana late at night when the moon is full? Oh wait, Castro’s still alive.  Well, he looks like a ghost, anyway, and he’s got one foot in the grave.  So he’s already like half a ghost.  But anyway, according to Bahraini Shura Council member Samira Rajab, Al-Qaeda doesn’t even exist.  It’s a fig newton of your imagination.  Rather like the Holocaust and Iranian gays.

4.  ARAFAT WAS POISONEDBy, of course, da Jewzzzzzzzz….Or maybe he really faked his own death and is hanging out on an island somewhere with JFK, Jim Morrison, Michael Jackson, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, John Lennon, Elvis Presley, and every other celebrity who “died” young, but really just couldn’t handle the fame.  So it’s entirely possible that after 75 years Arafat was just sick of the spotlight and all the bullshit with Hamas and Hezbollah and decided to say fuck it and fake it.  Except that’s not what happened, because he was murdered first.  By the Jews.  Who probably then engaged in the next nefarious Jewish plot…

3.  JEWS USE CHRISTIAN & MUSLIM BLOOD & BODY PARTS FOR PURIMAn oldie but a goodie!!!  The old Jewish blood libel. So still-useful, in fact, that even Sarah Palin invoked it, although as can be expected she misused it because she doesn’t understand what it actually is.  Anyway, the “Jewish vampires” enjoy and appreciate the pain they cause their victims, reports a Saudi Arabian newspaper.  No word yet on whether they sparkle and have fashionably mussy hair while they’re working.

2.  SAUDIS SNAG A SCURRILOUS SPY SCAVENGERDamn those Jews!!!  When they’re not training sharks to eat decent Egyptians they’re training vultures to spy on everyone!  The GPS attached to it by Tel Aviv University is absolute proof that it was spying on Saudi Arabia and not, obviously, because it was just a highly-intelligent and very geeky bird who had figured out a really really REALLY good way to waste less time honing in on its prey.  Of course, Israel trains a whole menagerie of animals to spy on the Middle East…

1. FOREIGNERS CAN MAKE YOUR PENIS DISAPPEAR BY SHAKING YOUR HANDObviously, the Jews are behind this one, too, but really, I think pretty much any foreigner can make a Sudanese penis disappear by vigorously shaking his hand.  Oh, the power…! 

I guess I should mention that while Googling on this stuff I had to start adding “-Glenn Beck” because every time I typed anything with “conspiracy theory” into Google I kept pulling up crap about Glenn Beck.  Go figger!

3 Responses to “The Mossad shark, the Korova Milkbar Muslim kids & my Top Ten Great Middle Eastern Conspiracy Theories”

  1. #10, 7, 5 & 3 sound like you made them up – excuse me, fabricated them. The rest sound like real, honest – to – Talmud – Tapping Jesus Conspiracy Theories that a whacked out, stressed dictator would employ in an attempt to divert attention from his fading power base.

  2. I didn’t make up any of them! A few I remembered, some others I found by Googling.

  3. OK, OK, I believe you ! But they just sound so horse – chokingly OUTRAGEOUS !!! If Ghaddafi made them up, I would dearly love to sample what he was smoking.

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