Archive for November, 2011

Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Vote For This Dog In 2012

Posted in Politics/Current Events, Pop Culture, Top Ten Lists with tags , , , , , , , on November 25, 2011 by Nicole Chardenet

We’re debating politics Chez Chardenet over a Thanksgiving buffet lunch, and while discussing Obama’s many failures I said, “He should never have tried to work with the Republicans.  They’re like animals at this point; you can’t reason with them.  You might as well try to reason with the dog!”  And someone said, “The dog would probably be more reasonable,” and I started thinking about why my brother’s sheltie would be a better presidential choice than either Obama or any of the raving lunatics the Republicans are offering up at the moment.  May I introduce Oreo, who we will run on the Milkbone ticket next year!

10.  He’s a lot brighter than anything the Republicans are pushing at us right now.

9.  He’s got bigger balls than Obama, and he’s  been neutered!  (Oreo, I mean, not Obama).  Oreo would never have caved to the Republicans on, say, taxing the rich.  Because Oreo knows that you can’t have parks and fire hydrants without tax money, and everyone should pay their fair share.  Rich people are totally not allowed to pee on fire hydrants until they start forking over some dough.

8.  Unlike Obama, Oreo would go after Wall Street crooks with vengeance.  No farting around. He’d have them by the balls.  Literally.

7.  Oreo loves you whether you’re rich or poor.  Red and yellow, black and white, they are awesome in his sight!

6.  Oreo would totally defend Americans against terrorists, the Chinese Communists and mailmen.

5.  Oreo isn’t hostile to Mexican immigrants.  Especially if you’re packing a burrito or an enchilada.

4.  Oreo is a full supporter of women’s rights.  Women have the right to feed him, the right to rub his belly, the right to play ball with him and the right to sleep with him (in the cuddly dog sense of the word!)

3.  Oreo never forgets what he’s about to say.  In fact, in the grand tradition of ‘Silent Cal” Coolidge, Oreo has little to say about anything, mostly because the owners before my bro’ and his family had his vocal cords clipped.  Seems in the old days Oreo never shut up.  Now his response to anything is a sort of horking sound.  It’s kind of cute, he sounds like a cat with a hairball, except he’s a dog.  So, on the upside, he’ll never embarrass America by saying something stupid.  Or barking it, as the case may be.

2.  Oreo will never be involved in an embarrassing sex scandal while he’s in office.  (See: Oreo’s been neutered).  The only thing he’s ever harrassed is a box of doughnuts.

1.  Oreo is black.  Well okay, mostly black.  But less white than Obama, not that you should vote for him for his color or anything.  He’s still a better choice than Herman Cain, and he’s never, ever, been accused of making a bad pizza.  And don’t snigger over the fact that he’s a black dog named Oreo.  That is totally racist and you should be ashamed of yourself!  Unless you’re a Republican.  Then you should get yourself a feature spot on Faux News.  No, you should vote for Oreo because he’s not a spineless Democrat or a certifiably lunatic Republican.  Plus if you vote for him he’ll lick you.  A lot.

Show your (naughty) bits for freedom!

Posted in Sexy Stuff with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 12, 2011 by Nicole Chardenet

Gwen Jacob is the reason why Toronto should be awash in naked female boobs, even though it’s not.  Twenty years ago the naughty 19-year-old questioned why it was okay for men to go topless but not women.  So, she went topless, got arrested, and to make a long story short, five years later the Ontario Court of Appeal agreed with her and since then women have had the freedom to go as bare from the waist up as any man.  And while few women do, it’s given women the right to breastfeed in public without worrying that their hot, naked mammaries are causing a wave of boners throughout the streetcar.  I mean, even if they are, this is Canada, and Canada is part of the West, and it’s pretty much a given deal in most places that men are expected to control themselves around women’s bodies.  It’s amazing just what a few expectations can do to change a man’s behaviour.  In some parts of the world where women have few to no rights, sexual harassment is commonplace and largely unpunished.  But men from those cultures seem to have no problem controlling themselves in Canada where jail time and stiff – erm – fines are the consequences for roving hands – or roving anything else, for that matter.

Ow. That's all I have to say.

Last night I found myself in a friendly debate with a friend who, in my opinion, is in denial of his conservative leanings.  He complained about a movie called Short Bus that you supposedly can rent from the Toronto Library that he described as an otherwise boring artsy-fartsy movie, the first scene of which is five minutes of a man fellating himself.  “Do you think taxpayers’ money should pay for this?” he demanded.

It was hard for me to say not seeing it in the context of the entire movie.  So I asked him whether he thought that all movies with dick in them should be banned, and then, whether vajayjay should be banned too.  Then I asked about boobs.  Yes, he said, he thought they should be.  Male boobs too I asked?  He had to think about it but conceded yes, that’s only fair.  (Well, at least he was consistent.  So maybe he’s not completely a conservative, even though he likes to defend uber-extreme-right Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.)

No boobs allowed. Because men are infantilized and can't control themselves at the sight of an areola.

Why ban boobs? I asked.  Because, sez he, they’re sexualized.

I didn’t question it too much at the time – or we might have been distracted by our friends, we were at a public gathering – but this morning while reading an article in the Toronto Star that mentioned Gwen Jacob, Breast Freedom Chick – I was reminded of last night’s entertaining conversation.

Women’s breasts are sexualized, huh?  By whom?  Certainly not by women – we don’t care that much about breasts, except insofar as we define ourselves by male standards of beauty, hence the popularity of boob jobs.  But, as I’m fond of saying, if all the men disappeared tomorrow, any plastic surgeons left would have to get real jobs.  Because who the hell would subject themselves to the torture chamber of plastic inserts, Botox injections and lipsuction if not for male-defined standards of beauty?  Good Goddess, anorexics could eat again.  Women could gain weight and no one would care because fat lesbians never seem to have a problem getting dates.

Breasts are hardly sexualized by babies.  In fact, they’re there not for male pleasure, but to feed the kids.  No, breasts are sexualized by naughty men, and men only – so ‘splain to me, Ricky, why we should cover up just because you guys are afraid you’ll pop a boner on the streetcar?

So then I got to thinking.  Why are genitals even sexualized?

Okay okay, that’s what you use if you’re going to have sex – one set, at least, unless you’ve got some really unusual fetishes.  Still, what would it be like if we were all running around naked?  Okay, in Canada mostly we’d be victims of unusual new cases of frostbite but during that two-week period in late July when it’s actually warm enough to wear summer clothes, what would happen?

Well, if you’ve ever been to Hanlan’s Point, the nude beach on Toronto Centre Island, you’d know that really, nothing much to see here.  Real life is not like a French movie.  Even real French beaches (if you’ve ever been to one) are not like a French movie.  Real people doff their duds there, and you see their real-life bodies.

The novelty of being around a bunch of naked people dies after about ten minutes.  Women are usually a minority and I for one don’t feel much threatened by being surrounded by a lot of dangling wang.  Okay, it helps that most of the men there wouldn’t be interested in anything I have anyway because nude beaches attract gay men like publicity attracts Kardashians.  But even if they’re straight – and you see plenty of families and male-female couples – at my age, I figure if they’re looking they’re just plain desperate, and if that’s the biggest thrill of your day, babe, well then, I just feel sorry for you!

So what if everyone had the freedom to just walk around naked, weather permitting?  After awhile, if enough people did it, who would really care?  I’ll bet, actually, that a lot of men wouldn’t do it because they’d be worried about appearing ‘too small’.  Or that women might titter behind their hands to their friends as they walked by.

If my experience at Hanlan’s Point – or any nude beach for that matter – is any indication of the average, I can guarantee you that the only men who will do this is the old and unsightly.  Young, hot, studly men will most likely at least keep their Speedos on.  I was at Hanlan’s Point this summer during Pride Week and on that day the beach was the most crowded I’ve ever seen – mostly with absolutely drop-dead-gorgeous young men.  Almost all of whom didn’t go au naturel.

Think of the diminished importance of male genitalia if we saw it every day on the street.  ‘Flashers’ use their equipment as weapons against women, to upset and frighten them.  Why?  The fact is, flashers are almost never rapists.  They won’t hurt you.  They just get a thrill out of upsetting you with their mighty mandingo.  What sort of power would male genitalia have over the female psyche if they were as common as left elbows?ObDefiance: Underneath these burqas all these women are *completely naked*!!!

Sexualized, indeed.  In some places a woman’s hair and ankles are considered too sexually provocative for public view.  Famously, in Afghanistan, all parts of a woman are considered so morally dangerous that they must be covered head to toe at all time.  Who decided that?  I’ll bet it wasn’t the women.

Public nudity – everywhere – would desexualize everything (trust me, this isn’t much of a sacrifice for Toronto guys ;) and render breasts and genitalia about as scandalous as your eyebrows.

I’d suggest that as the next step for the Occupy movement, but unfortunately, it’s gotten way too cold for that sort of thing.

Too bad we didn’t think about this in September!

Oh relax, guys. If you looked at this it doesn't mean you're gay!

Top Ten Reasons Why Bible-Thumpers Would Really Hate It If Jesus Came Back

Posted in Politics/Current Events, Religion, Top Ten Lists with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 4, 2011 by Nicole Chardenet

Conservative Christians love to yammer on and on about what a great guy Jesus was and how He came once and He’ll come again (not going to make any wiseass dirty remarks here, and you are SO going to hell for sniggering like that!) and how we should all be more like Him.

Well, I’m entirely certain that the LAST thing some of these Bible-thumper types (NOT to be confused with sane, level-headed Christians!) would want, if they reaaaaally thought about it, is for Jesus to return to earth (are you listening, Harold Camping?).  These folks are about as much like Jesus as my Lexmark printer is like the space shuttle.

Jesus was NOT, as you might suspect, a Republican, a Teabagger, a Fox News watcher or especially a member of the Christian ‘Right’.  I offer, as indisputable proof (because you just can’t dispute with me; that’s why I’m indisputable!) the Top Ten Reasons why the Christian Right would really hate Jesus if He came back and why they’d be the first to nail him to a cross again.

10.  Jesus hated capitalism disguised as religious greed .  His tirade in the temple with the money-changers shows that if you’re a televangelist, you’d be well-advised to be on vacation in the event of His return or He might just go all Fight Club on your ass.

9.  Jesus didn’t hate women nearly as much as the Bible-thumpers do.  He showed women plenty of respect and He stopped one from being stoned to death by a bunch of horndog hypocrites who had damn well consorted with prostitutes on their own, if not necessarily with that particular one.  Jesus also had female disciples who were given short shrift in the Bible.  And He appeared first to women when He returned.  Take that, phallocentrists!

8.  I wouldn’t call Jesus anti-capitalist, but He definitely cast a jaundiced eye at the rich, whom He warned would enter Heaven right after a camel squeezed through the eye of a needle.  If Wall Street thinks it has problems now with all those damn hippies in Zuccotti Park, they’d better fall down on their knees and pray Jesus doesn’t show up there next.  Although it would be interesting to see how He handled someone like Bill Gates, who’s one of the most generous philanthropists ever.

7.  Make no mistake about it, Jesus was no warmonger.  In fact, that’s probably what got His ass nailed to a tree in the first place – people who go around preaching all that love and community helping crap are usually the first to go in the Revolution.  He didn’t urge revolt against the Romans, He urged it against…oops, I’m getting ahead of myself, let’s go to #6 on our Jesus’s (S)Hit List.

6.  Hypocrites.  Especially religious hypocrites.  Jesus was quite clear about His visceral dislike of hypocrites (even as He loved the sinners.) And I can promise you, if He comes back He’s going to demand some serious answers from the folks who claim they’re ‘pro-life’ yet support capital punishment and the clearly illegal Iraq War.  I don’t know what Jesus’ position was on abortion because He didn’t say; Exodus treats a fetus as property of the father rather than as a human life, but He might have adopted an anti-abortion position by then since He said he was there to fix the old Mosaic laws.  Assuming He did have a problem with abortion, He’s still gonna want to know where these people get off calling others baby killers when they support murder in many other post-natal forms, particularly when you consider how many children have died in the Iraq War.  I strongly suggest the Republicans hide under the nearest rocks in the event of His return.

5.  Jesus was quite pro-poor.  Not that in he was in favour of poverty, but He was very much all about helping the destitute.  (Pay attention, Hermie the Spermie!) Ronald Reagan is probably burning in Hell right now because he totally forgot that Jesus would have had some serious words to say to him regarding his creation of widespread homelessness.  Something to think about the next time you’re shooting off your Bible-thumper mouth about the lazy-ass slacker poor.  Poverty is growing by leaps and bounds in the US today; today’s drunken bum in the gutter might be YOU tomorrow.

Um, no, actually, He doesn't. Check the Bible on this.

4.  Are you ready for this?  Hang on to your hat because your head might explode at this next revelation!  JESUS WAS PRO-TAX!!!  Yes, it’s true!  Okay, I’m not saying He was in favour of rampant tax raises or anything but he definitely supported paying your taxes!  He doesn’t say anything about tax brackets but he doesn’t add anything like, “Except for the rich,” so we must assume that He favoured everyone forking over a little sugar for using the roads, the bridges, the marketplace, etc…Hey, life under the Romans wasn’t always so spiffy, especially if you were a Jew, but they did create a lot of public works projects, some of which you can still see today.  Socialism costs money.  Privatization costs even more money.  Jesus got that.  A lot of Christians today don’t.

3.  Unlike many conservatives today, who seem to think compassion is for wussies, Jesus not only showed much compassion towards others, but He was also very forgiving.  He forgave Mary Magdalene for her sins and even on the Cross, which has got to be one of the most fiendish tortures ever devised by man, He said, “Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.”  I have doubts about the Romans’ alleged ignorance myself but that’s why Jesus was Jesus and I’m not.  Hell, I’m not even good enough to be the Dalai Lama.  Anyway He famously healed the sick and cured the lepers and was forever telling off the Pharisees and Sadducees, who, if they were alive today, would be featured commentators on Fox News insisting that President Obama arrest Him and try Him for treason if He dared to suggest that waterboarding suspects was not only utterly inhumane, but utterly useless as an interrogation device, as most people would confess to damn near anything to get it to stop.

2.  Jesus practiced witchcraft.  His magickal exploits back in the day included feeding a mass of hungry people with just a few loaves of bread and some fish, turning water into wine, healing the sick and infirm, bringing a guy back from the dead and of course His greatest magick trick of all, bringing Himself back from the dead.  How do you think the anti-Harry Potter set will react if Jesus shows up today and makes a man leave his wheelchair and walk?  Or heals Senator John McCain’s gimpy arm?  Causes Stevie Wonder to see?  Turns Charlie Sheen into a clean and sober grown-up?  Gives President Ahmadinejad a brain?  They’re going to have a caca fit, that’s what they’re going to do, and warn that this Jesus guy is practicing Satanism?  Not that Satan was ever much into helping mankind, but let’s face it, Jesus would totally make all those stiff-haired evangelists on television look like the rank pretenders they are.

Probably not Toronto on Rapture Day, whenever that is, because we're all a bunch of pot-smokin' socialist weirdoes!

1.  The Rapture.  This is the all-time Number One reason why so many Bible-thumpers would totally hate it if Jesus returned.  That is, of course, when God takes up all the faithful into Heaven, sans clothes, and leaves the rest of humanity to star in a best-selling series of religious novels.  Then, He’s going to have some serious hardcore s**t to say to all those rank pretenders who never knew Him but were forever shooting off their mouths about Him.

If I were Harold Camping or just anyone who thinks they’re holier-than-thou, I would get down on my knees and thank sweet Jesus for not showing up on time (again!) because I’m just not ready yet.


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