Attack of the Chinese Porno Zombies! (Flashfic)

Take some paranormal creature and combine it with some Toronto neighbourhood: That was the writing exercise we had to do for the T-Dot Writers group.  And what did I pick?  Zombies, which hadn’t yet been done to death in popular fiction, and Chinatown, a familiar neighbourhood.  Which led to the following humorous flashfic…

ATTACK OF THE CHINESE PORNO ZOMBIES!

by Nicole Chardenet

I was just stumbling out of the dim sum restaurant in the center of Chinatown when the first zombie attack occurred. A naked elderly Asian gentleman, growling in Cantonese, attacked two young women on the street corner and began munching on them. I lurched forward to pull them away, but other strangely-unclad zombies stopped their threesome to grab me and I was lucky to pull myself away before any of them bit me. There was nothing I could do for the young women, the zombies who’d attacked me now turned to them and they and the elderly zombie mercilessly ripped into the women as their dying screams joined those of others around me.

I raced down the street, dodging naked horny zombies right and left until I reached Kensington Market. All the zombies were Asian; it was like a Bruce Lee movie gone horribly awry. Five Japanese school girls, dressed only in g-strings, all pointed at me and shrieked, “Kawaaaaiiii!” as they surrounded me and began clawing at my limbs. Using my best Xena, Warrior Princess move I pivoted around with my fist out, punching them in the face one by one until they all sprawled on the sidewalk. A well-hung young Chinese guy landed in front of me; he’d jumped down from the deck above the fruit stand, his body a horrible pasty color and the look of naked desire in his lifeless eyes. He pulled back into a kung fu move but I pulled an Indiana Jones on him and removed my concealed Walther PPK and blew several holes in him. It’s good to be an American tourist, and everything they say about the porous Canadian border is true.

Unfortunately, I’d forgotten you can’t easily kill a zombie; they are, after all, already dead, so it takes more than a Dirty Harry weapon to stop their mindless blood/lust. The good thing is even my grandmother can move faster than a zombie, and she uses a walker. I shoved a decomposing dominatrix into a corn bin and a gangrenous geisha girl into the fo fi tien display; she fell against it and it collapsed, showering her with Chinese herbs and lychee nuts. I raced toward Spadina Avenue but found myself blocked by a gang of otaku dweebs dressed like their favourite skimpily-clad manga comic characters; the poor shits had probably died virgins. I turned around to find myself at another street market; I grabbed coconuts and began hurling them at the flesh-eating freaks.

Screams filled the air around me; blood ran in the streets as all of Chinatown turned out to eat the foreigners. “And they thought SARS was gonna kill tourism in Toronto,” I muttered as I ran down the sidewalk, grabbing a parasol from one of the vendors – what, like she was going to stop me and make me pay? She was too busy eating a hapless Brit – and whacked zombies right and left as I tried not to look at the sight of so many unlucky tourists being mangled and ripped apart by crazed Asian nudies infected with some bizarre virus they’d probably picked up from, I don’t know, a tainted restaurant or something.

Asian zombie porn. It's just hot.

Just as I thought I would collapse from exhaustion – right outside an Asian porn house featuring the classic triple header, Great Balls of China, Behind the Green Tea, and Peking Suck– I heard someone yell “CUT!” and then all the zombies dropped whoever they were eating and looked toward the sound. A terribly well-dressed, extremely hip-looking young guy with streaked hair, uber-cool sunglasses and a desperately fashionable beret walked toward us and yelled, “That was fabulous, absolutely fabulous!” And the half-eaten victims and their famished flashers all stood up, brushed themselves off and stood waiting for more instructions.

“You mean this is a MOVIE?” I screamed into the director’s face, and he laughed, displaying perfectly even white teeth.

“Of course it is! What did you think, zombies are real? This is my pornographic political allegory of China’s Cultural Revolution – I call it Mao Tse-Dong of the Dead!

Tragically for the director, there actually had been some horrible mutated virus in the roast pigeon I’d had for lunch. Suddenly feeling ravenous, I sank my teeth into his shoulder and began feeding.

The next scene didn’t require any acting from anyone. Because within an hour all the actors were un-dead anyway.

It's just not looking too good for our heroes...

31 Responses to “Attack of the Chinese Porno Zombies! (Flashfic)”

  1. Sadly, and don’t ask how I know this, but Japanese porn get’s even weirder!

    You always make me laugh.

  2. The Zombies were infected by something from Earth’s core. Because, you know, they always said that you could dig to China from the Western Hemisphere.

    Toss in something about the LHC, & you’ve got the makings of an HP Lovecraft story after some inspiration by Mary Jane….. ;) :D

  3. Nicole,

    Does George Clooney know you’re doing drugs? :-) After reading this he won’t marry you, you know. Maybe, next time, I’ll send you some nice Valium from the land down under.

    Sylvia Massara (and Nicole’s friend–although I’m a bit worried now. LOL)
    Novelist and host of The Lit Chick Show

    • Sylvia :

      I do worry about her, too, ( Even though I try not to show it much ;) ) This resembles 1 one of these stories written by the author Harlan Ellison, usually in an hour, in front of a crowd of people, inspired by a single sentence written by a fellow writer & sealed in an envelope.

      • Daniel, I am sure she was having a “twilight zone” moment when she wrote this; either that, or she’s eating too much sushi and the mercury went to her brain. LOL. I love Nicole!

        Cheers,
        Sylvia Massara
        Novelist and host of The Lit Chick Show

      • Sylvia – She’s a credit to all carbon – based life forms, on Earth or anywhere else. I got acquainted with her back when she had a web -site called ” Deify Yourself ” ( If memory serves ), which consisted mostly of taking mostly good – natured satirical jabs at most religions & their sometimes extremist, whack – job, adherents.

      • Hi Daniel

        I must say, she definitely has some unique views :-) Perhaps this is why she can’t snag George Clooney; he’s positively terrified of her independent ways. LOL

      • I hope Nicole isn’t thinkig of STALKING George – That’s quite EXPENSIVE. & the legal fees if she gets caught could bankrupt her. ;)

      • It’s okay. I will help her with the stalking when one day I move to Italy. We’ll invite George to my place for dinner and set upon him :-) I know Nicole is dying to visit his villa at Lake Como! I thought if worse came to worst, we could apply for jobs as housekeepers for the villa–and I’m sure Nicole won’t mind extending her services if Mr Clooney is interested. LOL

      • Oh, dear heavens, I’d love to go to Italy. I’ve a friend of Sicilian – Italian ancestry who’s been back there several times, & my own step – sister visited there about 20 + years ago, before my dad married her mom. I’d hear tales of Venezia, Rome, Pompeii ( & some juicy frescoes not generally shown to all tourists. ;) ) I’d give my right arm & 1 of my kidneys to be there. Wonder if Giorgio needs an aide like a book – keeper or something. ;)

      • Daniel, please do not give away your right arm or your kidney! I will buy you a ticket to Italy when my own novels start to make huge money :-) And if all else fails, you can always apply to good old George for a job as a chauffeur!

        Hey, I’d love to see those naughty frescoes ;-)

      • OK, you’re on.
        The Pompeii frescoes were featured in a History Channel program about the history of erotica or prostitution or some such, & my step – sis got a peek on the sly from a tour – guide.

        Me as Giorgio’s chauffeur – I drive like I spit ! Hope he has his insurance paid up ! ;)

      • O.K., you’re on. I’d quite like to see Greece, too. ( Asking too much ? ;) ) Those frescoes were also featured in a History International special about the history of the sexual industry or some such. Ironic that my step – sis was part of a tour by a group of churchy folk when she was treated to a peeky – poo of those frescoes. :D

        Me as George’s chauffeur. I hope his insurance is paid up ! :D

  4. Once a few years back some fellow computer geeks and I were sitting in a restaurant in Toronto and debating this lofty geek topic: Who has the *most* perverted pr0n in the world? The Japanese, the Dutch or the Germans?

    Hands down, we gave it to the Japanese. They invented hentai, tentacle porn and bukkake. Not to mention vending machines dispensing young women’s underpants.

    Take a bow, Japan. ;)

    • you forgot SEX ROBOTS ! The Japanese ( & Koreans, to a lesser extent ) love robots & androids that look like 16 – 24 year olds. They even had a busty twenty – something android who was the heroine of a Japanese anime as well as a live stage show & a movie ( Don’t ask me how I came by this info. ;) ). :)

  5. I think you’re right, Sylvia; Georgie-boy can’t handle a REAL woman!!! lol

  6. I’m not worried about legal fees related to stalking George Clooney. Every time I’m picked up by the police I give the name Sylvia Massara. ;)

    • Clever ! Very Clever !!
      You could borrow the name ” Rachel McAuley ” for a small fee. At least my cousin would be attributed a more FLAMBOYANT, COLORFUL personality. She’s so WASP / whitebread that she could use some personality. ;)

      • Great! Now she’s going to implicate me in a stalking scandal with George Clooney! She’s a sneaky one, she is!

      • I tried to change her mind, but NOOOOOO. ! I’m a partial enabler. This would not clearly look good on a resume’ !

      • Oh Daniel, no use trying to change her mind! I’m at her all the time to speak to Kimbo in the Hamptons about turning my novel into a movie; and she won’t have none of it. She says “she who must not be named” must be left alone. In fact, Nicole would rather chew glass than speak to Kimbo!

        If you’re not sure who Kimbo is, you’ll have to ask her. I am not at liberty of reveal Kimbo’s real identity lest Nicole unleash her Chinese Zombies onto me :-)

      • Kimbo is probably 1 of her multiple personalities or something. M.P.D. isn’t an unknown factor in the creative community. My own alternate personality, Dr. Miguel Gomez Rauschenberg Bialyk, has several story ideas that he’s trying to push past MY writer’s block. ;)

      • No, no, no. Kimbo is not one of her multiple personalities. Trust me. I know her identity–she’s a celeb who has a house in the Hamptons. Ask Nicole and she’ll tell you about her ;-)

        I’m sorry you lost your money. I know what it’s like to lose a big amount, courtesy of my scumbag ex-husband, who dumped me when I was sick last year and took up with some tart! He also took a lot of my money, and I didn’t have enough money to pay legal fees and fight him back. So I had to give up the whole thing. I hope that the Chinese Zombies find him one day and eat whatever is left of his brain–through they’ll probably just find a frizzled peanut in its place.

      • O.K., I’ll have to ask her – her ears must be BURNING by now.
        The $ 100 K wasn’t that big a FORTUNE, compared to a 5 or 6 – figure salary but I let myself get swindled out of it with outrageous ease after I ” fell among thieves ” ( ” thieves ” meaning con artists ). This other friend had a distinguished ” Southern Gentleman ” lawyer friend who lost his law firm because his partners made some TERRIBLE investments, so they assured me that I’m in good company. Oy ! Such memories. I think I need to finish off the last of a bottle of blackberry wine ! Vino for breakfast. ;)

    • Nicole, you’re a bad, bad, girl :-)

  7. @Daniel,

    Oops! In my excitement I forgot to tick the little box down the bottom that will notify me when you reply. LOL

    Ciao bello!

    • Not a problem !
      I wish that I’d picked up some more Italian from friend. He was very proficient at Italian / Sicilian maledicta ! :D

      • I can teach you quite a lot of Italian as I’m 3/4 Italian myself. Just jump on a plane and come over to Australia first, so I can teach you from here :-)

        A presto! (See you soon).

      • Back when I still had a $100 K trust fund, I w / have taken you up on your offer in a New York minute. Alas, those days are on hold. $100 thou isn’t a horse – choking wad of money, but enough to take several nice trips on had I chosen to.
        NOT going to talk about how I lost it.

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