Crikey! It’s The Giant Spider Invasion!

Good gods.  A town in Australia called Wagga Wagga (and that’s pronounced WOGGA WOGGA, not WAGGA WAGGA, as my Ozzie friend Libby archly informed me, despite the fact that it’s spelled WAGGA WAGGA and not WOGGA WOGGA and is without question the world’s stupidest town name) has been invaded by giant horrible evil brain-destroying monster spiders from hell, because, I think, Wagga Wagga must have been a very, very bad town in a former lifetime, and its karma is coming back on it.  Another explanation has it that the horrible beasts relocated to higher ground after a flood, but that’s just silly.

Just to put things in perspective, this apocalypse was prophesied in what was once thought to be a cheezy horror movie but what is now understood to be an insightful documentary, 1975′s The Giant Spider Invasion, set in the mythical state of Wisconsin:

Not to put too fine a point on it, but there was a more recent “horror movie” (read: explosive documentary) on what happens when spiders go all Hell’s Angels on an entire town, 2002′s Eight Legged Freaks:

Pay special attention to the spiders mummifying a human, arachno-style, and then compare this to what’s happened in Wagga Wagga:

And now for the REALLY freaky s**t!

When the little @#$%s are building SKYWAYS, for frack's sake, just kill me now!!! Or buy me a one-way ticket to Hawaii, where all I have to deal with are volcanoes

Crikey, some might argue that Wagga Wagga’s Boschian nightmares aren’t exactly giant spiders, they’re merely wolf spiders (that jump!), but it’s only Australians who say that, because they actually think big futhermuckers like that are normal!!!  Listen, I grew up in Florida where we had big ugly spiders (some of which had pretty colors but I maintain that any spider bigger than a dime is a Big Ugly Spider and I don’t care if he’s got a friggin’ original Picasso on his huge tank-like back).  My mom said there was a I don't know if this was that spider, but you have to admit it would be pretty creepy if it wasspider web between two trees outside my bedroom window when I was a baby, and she tried to hose it down, but it was too strong, and then she tried a flame-thrower but it was too strong, and it even survived her small tactical nuke.  So she sent out the big guns – or rather, the big pole – in the capable hands of my father, who made short work of the lair and the vicious lemon-sized beast that Mom swears had glowing eyes and giant fangs.  But, you know, Mom’s even more arachnophobic than me, so she might have exaggerated a wee bit.

I used to watch something like the little dude to the left hanging off a bush outside our church while the sermon was going on and I thought that was a really big-ass spider but clearly I’ve never been to Wagga Wagga.  And I will never, ever, visit Australia, because you just know this mass invasion is just a rehearsal for their next stop: SYDNEY!!!

The people, in case you were wondering, evacuated the town before the spiders even realized the roof was leaking, but I doubt they’ll ever return.  Would you?  OMG THEY GOT THE DOG!!!

And here’s the REALLY scary thing (yeah, like this isn’t enough nightmare material to send you into therapy for like the next 45 years): Australia is JAM-PACKED CHOCK-FULL of vicious, evil, horrible, killer spiders and junk!

Libby told me they have horrible poisonous killer spiders that hang out in your swimming pool and I’m like, you’re freaking s**tting me, spiders that swim, with, like Jaws music playing in the background (except on didgeridoo) and, like, latch on to you and KILL you?  She’s just messing with me, right?  Right???

No, she’s NOT messing with me.  Here’s a really stupid freaking Australian who’s not the Crocodile Hunter swimming in a pool with a FREAKING DEADLY FUNNEL SPIDER in it, a beast which can swim, sink, float on the water, and apparently KILL YOU IN FIFTEEN MINUTES WITH A SINGLE BITE, and he’s talking to the farking camera while this farking spider is sizing him up for a torpedo kill!  Someone please enlighten me: Are all Australian men this stupid?!?!

Now, I know Australia’s one of the most dangerous places on the planet.  Like, everything can kill you, even otherwise benign creatures like toads and lizards and baby octopi. The only animal that’s widely regarded as relatively non-fatal is the sheep, but I have my doubts about that because since everything else that flies, crawls, walks, or slithers across Down Under can kill you, why wouldn’t the sheep have developed lethal superpowers too?  I offer you Exhibit A: My ancestor from England who wound up in Australia on a family sheep farm.  He died there when he was thrown off his horse.  Why?  My theory is the sheep attacked the horse just to get to the human.  Goddess only knows what happened after that but I will tell you, the New Zealanders recently made a movie that I suspect tells the real story:

To make matters worse, Libby tells me about something called “bluebottles” which exist, she assures me, to do nothing more than kill any human unfortunate enough to step on one.  “What are they,” sez I, “houseflies?” And she looks at me like I’m farking brain-dead while I’m thinking they’re probably Australian houseflies the size of opossums with giant fangs and a hate-on for humans.  She wasn’t quite sure what they were, “just ambulating bags of goop and spines,” which, as it turns out, wasn’t all that accurate, as bluebottles are actually Portuguese Man O’ War jellyfish, which have no spines, only very rarely kill you, and do not ambulate (if they’re on the beach for you to step on, they’ve washed up there by mistake and are in the middle of dying, which is why they so deeply resent your squishing them with your big fat foot, although frankly, if I was a big blob of goo about to dehydrate into a sticky pancake on a New South Wales beach, I think I’d more than welcome instant death from some lumbering human).  But never mind, the point is, those farkers can farking put you in a world of hurt and make you wish you were dead.

What you’ve got to worry about more, rather, are stonefish, which look like stones and if you do step on it it will try to farking kill you, and box jellyfish, which can kill you in less time than it takes to scream, “OH F**K, I’VE JUST BEEN STUNG BY A BOX JELLYFISH!”

So anyway, my point is, whatever you do, DON’T GO ANYWHERE NEAR F**KING AUSTRALIA!  It can kill you.  Just by looking at you weird.

And the sheep will eat you, if the spiders don’t get you first.

What Wagga Wagga needs - John Goodman, the exterminator in Arachnophobia: "ROCK & ROLLLLLLLLLL!"

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11 Responses to “Crikey! It’s The Giant Spider Invasion!”

  1. Babe, I don’t think I said anything about Bluebottles either having spines or ambulating. The fact that they are jellyfish squares perfectly with the vague idea I had about them, and yeah I it makes no difference that they don’t want to be on the beach when you’ve stepped on one of the evil little fuckers and are experiencing excruciating pain.
    btw it’s not “South Wales”, which you would find in the lower left portion of the island that comprises England, Scotland and Wales; it’s *New* South Wales, which you would find in the lower right portion of Australia.

  2. Ah, come on, Nicole. I saw one of these giant spiders only this morning on the way to work–but it’s harmless, it just looks bloody scary. It occurred to me that it could be a spy sent ahead of the invasion army of the Wagga Wagga spiders. Anyway, yes we do have some nasty critters down under, but unfortunately none of them ever got to my evil ex-husband. What a shame!

    I should just get a little redback spider, which is a lethal killer, and yet not even a centrimetre in size (about less than a half inch), and put it in his bed or his freakin’ Porsche, which he purchased with money he stole from me!

    By the way, I was stung by a blug bottle once and it hurts like hell! But up in the north of Australia we have another kind of deadly jellyfish, and during certain months of the year (namely summer) the only way you can go swimming is if you wear a body stocking. I mean, c’mon! Who’s going to go swimming when those things are around? Again, it’s a shame the evil ex doesn’t.

    One thing really rang true on your post, most Aussie men are stupid. LOL. My evil ex being at the top of the list. So give me a Wagga Wagga spider any time; it’s probably got a lot more principles than my ex. Ar ar.

    Lastly, if you think Wagga Wagga is a silly name, you should try Wangaratta, Parramatta, Tumbi Umbi, Oodnadatta, and the list goes on. We are a weird mob, and we don’t really use “crikey” as much as the poms do, but we say “bloody oath” “bloody hell” and “fair dinkum”.

    Cheers, matey!
    Sylvia Massara
    Novelist

    • Here’s the answer to your prayers, Sylvia ;)

      Libby informs me that of the Top Ten Most Dangerous Snakes In The World, Australia has ALL TEN!!! Y’all should be so proud ;) And she found way stupider names than those in Australia…like Bong Bong! And Tittybong!!! Gotta love it.

      • Nicole and Libby, yes I know about the snakes. Interestingly, the evil ex was born under the year of the snake in the Chinese zodiac, so he makes deadly snake number 11 :-)

        We have heaps of weird names for towns. But I have to say that I love “Oodnadatta”; I just love pronouncing this. It kind of rolls off your tongue. Hehehehe

        Sylvia

    • I tried to give Nicole some idea of the stupidness of Aussie place names, and as it happens, one of my examples was Wangaratta (and I almost mentioned Oonandatta, but wasn’t sure if I’d get the spelling right)! But like I said to Nicole, Wagga Wagga isn’t even the dumbest name in the *state* — for that honour I would like to nominate Bong Bong. Of course Victoria boasts Tittybong (sniggers) and that name surely is in the same class as Dildo in Newfoundland, Pissy in France and –my favourite– Fucking in Austria.

  3. Jebus, I was just about to say that! And btw, here’s another Aussie spider-in-the-john song. Y’know, some countries don’t have ANY songs like that and for us antipodeans it’s practically a genre!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6L8SS1LBR48 (song starts at about 50s)

    • Good gods you’re freaking me out!!! Not just the horrible evil spider but what you people used to S**T into back in the day! We ARE talking back in the day, right? And I don’t mean Tuesday?!?!

  4. Yes this is a long time again. The older houses (like 1800s, early 1900s) in Sydney are on long narrow plots of land because of the outhouse, because there was a rule about the crapper being 100 feet from the house or something. The inner city parts of Sydney (like, where I used to live) still have a series of back alleys which is where the “nightsoil” man would come by with his horse and cart and collect the er… y’know. And yeah, most of them are a thing of the past, although I went to look at a house in Redfern in 1996 that still had a privy in the backyard and from the way a person from the house next door hobbled toward it in seeming desperation, it looked like it still worked.
    btw it’s not that weird, plenty of older cities have some remnant of outdated sanitation like that.

    • I’ve only ever seen one functioning *modern* outhouse and that was one built on someone’s property back in my SCA days. Said individual hosted medieval events on his property so an outhouse was in order. I remember when they dug the pit, then built the outhouse. And I used it too. Blessedly, the new ones are spider-free :)

  5. wagga means crow by the Aboriginal people and when you have the same word twice in means many ….so wagga waggga ” place of many crows……yes we have some weird sounding names but most of them have a rich Aboriginal meaning , and as for alll the creepy crawlies …they are a great way to keep them foreigners at bay :) nik from Wagga Wagga

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