Crikey! It’s The Giant Spider Invasion!
Good gods. A town in Australia called Wagga Wagga (and that’s pronounced WOGGA WOGGA, not WAGGA WAGGA, as my Ozzie friend Libby archly informed me, despite the fact that it’s spelled WAGGA WAGGA and not WOGGA WOGGA and is without question the world’s stupidest town name) has been invaded by giant horrible evil brain-destroying monster spiders from hell, because, I think, Wagga Wagga must have been a very, very bad town in a former lifetime, and its karma is coming back on it. Another explanation has it that the horrible beasts relocated to higher ground after a flood, but that’s just silly.
Just to put things in perspective, this apocalypse was prophesied in what was once thought to be a cheezy horror movie but what is now understood to be an insightful documentary, 1975′s The Giant Spider Invasion, set in the mythical state of Wisconsin:
Not to put too fine a point on it, but there was a more recent “horror movie” (read: explosive documentary) on what happens when spiders go all Hell’s Angels on an entire town, 2002′s Eight Legged Freaks:
Pay special attention to the spiders mummifying a human, arachno-style, and then compare this to what’s happened in Wagga Wagga:
And now for the REALLY freaky s**t!
Crikey, some might argue that Wagga Wagga’s Boschian nightmares aren’t exactly giant spiders, they’re merely wolf spiders (that jump!), but it’s only Australians who say that, because they actually think big futhermuckers like that are normal!!! Listen, I grew up in Florida where we had big ugly spiders (some of which had pretty colors but I maintain that any spider bigger than a dime is a Big Ugly Spider and I don’t care if he’s got a friggin’ original Picasso on his huge tank-like back). My mom said there was a spider web between two trees outside my bedroom window when I was a baby, and she tried to hose it down, but it was too strong, and then she tried a flame-thrower but it was too strong, and it even survived her small tactical nuke. So she sent out the big guns – or rather, the big pole – in the capable hands of my father, who made short work of the lair and the vicious lemon-sized beast that Mom swears had glowing eyes and giant fangs. But, you know, Mom’s even more arachnophobic than me, so she might have exaggerated a wee bit.
I used to watch something like the little dude to the left hanging off a bush outside our church while the sermon was going on and I thought that was a really big-ass spider but clearly I’ve never been to Wagga Wagga. And I will never, ever, visit Australia, because you just know this mass invasion is just a rehearsal for their next stop: SYDNEY!!!
The people, in case you were wondering, evacuated the town before the spiders even realized the roof was leaking, but I doubt they’ll ever return. Would you? OMG THEY GOT THE DOG!!!
And here’s the REALLY scary thing (yeah, like this isn’t enough nightmare material to send you into therapy for like the next 45 years): Australia is JAM-PACKED CHOCK-FULL of vicious, evil, horrible, killer spiders and junk!
Libby told me they have horrible poisonous killer spiders that hang out in your swimming pool and I’m like, you’re freaking s**tting me, spiders that swim, with, like Jaws music playing in the background (except on didgeridoo) and, like, latch on to you and KILL you? She’s just messing with me, right? Right???
No, she’s NOT messing with me. Here’s a really stupid freaking Australian who’s not the Crocodile Hunter swimming in a pool with a FREAKING DEADLY FUNNEL SPIDER in it, a beast which can swim, sink, float on the water, and apparently KILL YOU IN FIFTEEN MINUTES WITH A SINGLE BITE, and he’s talking to the farking camera while this farking spider is sizing him up for a torpedo kill! Someone please enlighten me: Are all Australian men this stupid?!?!
Now, I know Australia’s one of the most dangerous places on the planet. Like, everything can kill you, even otherwise benign creatures like toads and lizards and baby octopi. The only animal that’s widely regarded as relatively non-fatal is the sheep, but I have my doubts about that because since everything else that flies, crawls, walks, or slithers across Down Under can kill you, why wouldn’t the sheep have developed lethal superpowers too? I offer you Exhibit A: My ancestor from England who wound up in Australia on a family sheep farm. He died there when he was thrown off his horse. Why? My theory is the sheep attacked the horse just to get to the human. Goddess only knows what happened after that but I will tell you, the New Zealanders recently made a movie that I suspect tells the real story:
To make matters worse, Libby tells me about something called “bluebottles” which exist, she assures me, to do nothing more than kill any human unfortunate enough to step on one. “What are they,” sez I, “houseflies?” And she looks at me like I’m farking brain-dead while I’m thinking they’re probably Australian houseflies the size of opossums with giant fangs and a hate-on for humans. She wasn’t quite sure what they were, “just ambulating bags of goop and spines,” which, as it turns out, wasn’t all that accurate, as bluebottles are actually Portuguese Man O’ War jellyfish, which have no spines, only very rarely kill you, and do not ambulate (if they’re on the beach for you to step on, they’ve washed up there by mistake and are in the middle of dying, which is why they so deeply resent your squishing them with your big fat foot, although frankly, if I was a big blob of goo about to dehydrate into a sticky pancake on a New South Wales beach, I think I’d more than welcome instant death from some lumbering human). But never mind, the point is, those farkers can farking put you in a world of hurt and make you wish you were dead.
What you’ve got to worry about more, rather, are stonefish, which look like stones and if you do step on it it will try to farking kill you, and box jellyfish, which can kill you in less time than it takes to scream, “OH F**K, I’VE JUST BEEN STUNG BY A BOX JELLYFISH!”
So anyway, my point is, whatever you do, DON’T GO ANYWHERE NEAR F**KING AUSTRALIA! It can kill you. Just by looking at you weird.
And the sheep will eat you, if the spiders don’t get you first.