10. A man should not show up drunk and an hour and a half late. You’d think after 32 years of MADD threats and all those scary gross movies they made us watch in Driver’s Ed that no one needed to be reminded of brains and gore and guts splattered all over the highway like some horrendous Jackson Pollock road pizza. Well, apparently you do, and you know who you are, even though I doubt you’ll ever read this.
9. A man should never send a picture of himself looking like a young Richard Pryor and show up looking like Morgan Freeman. (Yeah yeah, I know you guys don’t like it when women send pictures of themselves 35 years and 200 lbs ago! Hope they end with the first date too!)
8. A man should never turn everything I say into a double entendre. Him: “I’m hungry.” “Me: “Well why don’t you order something to eat.” Him: (Giving me what I assume he thinks is a smoldering look) “That’s not what I’m hungry for.” Well I hope you’re hungry for your twelfth viewing of Debbie Does Duluth with a handy jar of Mazola at your elbow because my amazing psychic powers tell me that’s in your immediate future tonight.
7. A man’s online profile photo should look enough like him so that, when he feels an attack of the guilties and emails saying, “Here’s a somewhat more updated picture of me,” I should be able to pick him out in a photo that shows only two people. If he has gained so much weight and gotten so much scruffier that I have to squint and mutter, “Is he the guy on the left or the guy on the right? How can he be the guy on the left? It doesn’t even look like him, but the caption says it’s him. He’s not the stuffed grizzly bear in the background, is he? Or the big desk lamp?” then really, just post the most recent picture online. You’ll get fewer first dates but you’ll never wind up on anyone’s Top Ten list.
6. A man should never say on a first date that he thinks rim jobs are fun. Ewwwwww. (No, I’m not gonna link to an explanation. I might get, like, contact cholera from it. Google it, or ask your mother. No, wait, just Google it. And no good-night kiss for you!)
5. A man should never end every sentence he utters with, “…and stuff.” As in, “I went to work and stuff, and I had a meeting with the boss and stuff, and we went over this big project and stuff, and then I ate lunch and stuff…” (Okay, my bad for going out with a 28-year old and stuff. It was several years ago and stuff.)
4. A man should never throw himself at me on a first date and whine, “But I need affection and cuddling!” when I fend him off with a nail-studded clue-by-four. I don’t want to hear about your physical needs on the first date. I do not want you diving down my blouse like an estrogen-seeking testosterone missile. Guaranteed you will never learn the colour of my underwear. You might learn what a restraining order is, though.
3. A man shouldn’t look terrified (even if he is) and mumble something about whether I understand how the Catholic Church feels about premarital sex. Dude, you’re 37 years old. You’d BETTER not be what I think you are! (Okay, my bad for going out with a Toronto guy.)
2. A man should never ask me, I repeat, on a first date, if I’ve ever had sex with a woman. And I won’t ask him if he’s ever had sex. Period. Which I will ask purely out of curiosity since he will never get past the first date regardless of what you answer.
GRAND PRIZE WINNER
What’s the all-time Number One thing you should NEVER
do on a first date? Drumroll, please!!!
A MAN SHOULD NEVER ANNOUNCE, OVER DINNER, THIRTY MINUTES AFTER MEETING ME FOR THE FIRST TIME, THAT HE’S KILLED 59 PEOPLE. Yes, this really happened to me! Of course my first thought was, Oh my God he’s a serial killer! Then my second thought was, Okay, he’s probably in the military. Which he was, a sniper in South America in the ’80s. Fair enough. Still, a lot of women won’t regard that as something to brag about. War is like politics and sausage. Both are necessary but you don’t want to know how it’s done. (That was only the first example of his appalling lack of common sense.)
Men, I’m sure you’ve had some truly appalling experiences with women on first dates. By all means, please feel free to bitch, moan, whine, rant, complain, and threaten to never go near anything in a shorty shirt and a g-string ever again. Since I don’t date women I can’t speak from personal experience. (Lesbians/bi’s, please feel free to bitch moan whine blah blah blah away too!)