Top 10 Things A Man Should Never Do On A First Date

10.  A man should not show up drunk and an hour and a half late.  You’d think after 32 years of MADD threats and all those scary gross movies they made us watch in Driver’s Ed that no one needed to be reminded of brains and gore and guts splattered all over the highway like some horrendous Jackson Pollock road pizza.  Well, apparently you do, and you know who you are, even though I doubt you’ll ever read this.

What showed up. And about 40 lbs heavier.

What he texted me.

9.  A man should never send a picture of himself looking like a young Richard Pryor and show up looking like Morgan Freeman.  (Yeah yeah, I know you guys don’t like it when women send pictures of themselves 35 years and 200 lbs ago!  Hope they end with the first date too!)

8.  A man should never turn everything I say into a double entendre.  Him: “I’m hungry.”  “Me: “Well why don’t you order something to eat.” Him: (Giving me what I assume he thinks is a smoldering look) “That’s not what I’m hungry for.”  Well I hope you’re hungry for your twelfth viewing of Debbie Does Duluth with a handy jar of Mazola at your elbow because my amazing psychic powers tell me that’s in your immediate future tonight.

7.  A man’s online profile photo should look enough like him so that, when he feels an attack of the guilties and emails saying, “Here’s a somewhat more updated picture of me,” I should be able to pick him out in a photo that shows only two people. If he has gained so much weight and gotten so much scruffier that I have to squint and mutter, “Is he the guy on the left or the guy on the right? How can he be the guy on the left?  It doesn’t even look like him, but the caption says it’s him.  He’s not the stuffed grizzly bear in the background, is he?  Or the big desk lamp?” then really, just post the most recent picture online.  You’ll get fewer first dates but you’ll never wind up on anyone’s Top Ten list. 

6.  A man should never say on a first date that he thinks rim jobs are fun.  Ewwwwww.  (No, I’m not gonna link to an explanation.  I might get, like, contact cholera from it.  Google it, or ask your mother.  No, wait, just Google it.  And no good-night kiss for you!)

5.  A man should never end every sentence he utters with, “…and stuff.”  As in, “I went to work and stuff, and I had a meeting with the boss and stuff, and we went over this big project and stuff, and then I ate lunch and stuff…” (Okay, my bad for going out with a 28-year old and stuff. It was several years ago and stuff.)

4.  A man should never throw himself at me on a first date and whine, “But I need affection and cuddling!” when I fend him off with a nail-studded clue-by-four.  I don’t want to hear about your physical needs on the first date.  I do not want you diving down my blouse like an estrogen-seeking testosterone missile.  Guaranteed you will never learn the colour of my underwear.  You might learn what a restraining order is, though.

I promise it won’t hurt. You won’t even bleed.

3.  A man shouldn’t look terrified (even if he is) and mumble something about whether I understand how the Catholic Church feels about premarital sex.  Dude, you’re 37 years old.  You’d BETTER not be what I think you are! (Okay, my bad for going out with a Toronto guy.)

2.  A man should never ask me, I repeat, on a first date, if I’ve ever had sex with a woman.  And I won’t ask him if he’s ever had sex.  Period.  Which I will ask purely out of curiosity since he will never get past the first date regardless of what you answer.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER

What’s the all-time Number One thing you should NEVER

do on a first date?  Drumroll, please!!!

A MAN SHOULD NEVER ANNOUNCE, OVER DINNER, THIRTY MINUTES AFTER MEETING ME FOR THE FIRST TIME, THAT HE’S KILLED 59 PEOPLE.  Yes, this really happened to me!  Of course my first thought was, Oh my God he’s a serial killer! Then my second thought was, Okay, he’s probably in the military.  Which he was, a sniper in South America in the ’80s.  Fair enough.  Still, a lot of women won’t regard that as something to brag about. War is like politics and sausage.  Both are necessary but you don’t want to know how it’s done. (That was only the first example of his appalling lack of common sense.)

Men, I’m sure you’ve had some truly appalling experiences with women on first dates.  By all means, please feel free to bitch, moan, whine, rant, complain, and threaten to never go near anything in a shorty shirt and a g-string ever again.  Since I don’t date women I can’t speak from personal experience.  (Lesbians/bi’s, please feel free to bitch moan whine blah blah blah away too!)

11 Responses to “Top 10 Things A Man Should Never Do On A First Date”

  1. Should I mention my career in ” disability / wheelchair porn ” on a 1st date ?
    ” Do you know what else that wheelchair battery & those tools can be used for ? hehehehe. ” Cue the sleazy porn music. It got me a Wheels & Squeals Award. Chicks rolling over each other, beating other girls over the head with prosthetic limbs, kinky….. ;) :D

    Yeah. I’m not really all that proud of it. ;)

  2. The rim job guy must have been a show-stopper. Maybe even more so than the “I killed 59 people” one. [shudders]
    @zathra: is there an iota of truth in the “disability/ wheelchair porn” of which you speak? Rule 34 notwithstanding, it seems a little weird, even for that weirdest of all industries, and I am *not* willing to Google that lest the results scar me forever.

    • Libby : If there was even the SLIGHTEST grain of truth to my ” wheelchair porn ” story, my parents would’ve set me on fire & sprinkled holy water on my ashes for doing it. I do this kind of nutty stuff w / Nicole a LOT ( I actually sound like I’m PROUD of it, too ). Daniel

    • The rim job thing was a show-stopper, I did let the sniper try it one more time just because I understand how it is in the military. However, what I later came to object to is that he was so *proud* of what he’d done. I’m like, okay, that’s your job and you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do, but should you be *proud* of it? Esp. since the “battle” you’re fighting was one of Reagan’s messes in South America in the 80s, where we probably shouldn’t have been in the first place? I didn’t say that to him but that’s what I was thinking.

      However, he showed greater stupidity on the next date and it kinda ended badly when I dumped him which I shouldn’t have done. I haven’t ever done that again because it’s a sh**ty thing to do with someone even if he IS a total numbnuts ;) I was a very different person back then (not in a good way) that I’m not anymore (thankfully!)

  3. I love you Frenchy.

  4. An excellent guide to initial dating! Restaurants should offer these with the menu, complementary.

    And with that, men, also don’t tell your friend on the first date that you’re being contacted by the police about the whereabouts of your missing girlfriend who you loved. There are many aspects about this which your date does not appreciate.

    This conversation has also happened to me:
    Him: “Gay sex is an aberration! An affront to god and god’s will! It’s disgusting!”
    Me: “Are you aware that roughly 60% of heterosexual couples attempt anal sex?”
    Him: “Yeah, but that’s just hot.”
    Gentlemen, if you are this guy, we’re likely going to share your story and laugh about it forever.

    • Yeah, also funny how a lot of moralist men are against *anal* sex, but totally okay with lesbian sex ;) Although finding out your first date may be a *non-military killer* is definitely worse than Sniper Boy. I think I might have run out of there at that point. (Which would have made the second time ever that I’d ditched a guy on a date, but I think in this case it would be justified ;)

  5. Love the bit about men sharing “younger” photos of themselves! This actually happened to me but I ended up marrying him anyway!! We exchanged photos (way back in the dinosaur days of 1982) via snail mail–in his photo he looked like Tom Selleck, so of course I jumped at the idea of meeting on a blind date. He sure as heck didn’t look that way in real life,5 years older, but fortunately he had a winning personality…and here we are today, 28 years later, and neither one of us looks remotely like we did in 1982! Moral of the story: Hang in there—the right one will come along sooner or later…just gotta kiss a lot of frogs to get to the real prince!!

  6. Okay.. of all of your guys I think I’m going with the military guy… but I guess that’s why I have a collection of military berets and medals and ID’s.. I should probably stop picking the military guys cause it’s clearly not working for me….

  7. Oh God, what can I tell you? Having written a whole romantic comedy novel on internet dating, I think I’ve pretty much seen it all; but I have to say the “rimming” is really a show-stopper :-) Eeeeeewwwwwww :-) :-)

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