Do You Believe In Jews? I Do!

Do Jews actually exist? Have you ever seen one? Or are they some elaborate conspiracy theory, like the Moon landing? I myself am quite convinced Jews exist because I’ve seen many, not just one. I’ve been to their synagogues. I’ve hung out with them at parties. I even dated a few, none, thankfully, who made it onto my Top Ten Things Guys Should Never Do On A Date.  But hey, I used to live in Connecticut, which is close to New York which, according to the May 28th issue of Time magazine is the home of the Biggest Bunch of Jews Anywhere In The World, slightly edging out Israel, by half a mil (6.5 million to 6 million).

Why would I even question the existence of Jews, do you ask? Well I don’t, but I’ve recently come to the curious realization that anti-Semitism is universal, but that it’s extremely unlikely that most anti-Semites have ever actually met a Jew.

Here’s why.  My most recent Google searches guesstimate anywhere from 13 to 15 million Jews worldwide today.  My search also revealed that if it hadn’t been for the Holocaust there would probably be about 32 million Jews (only slightly fewer than the total population of Canada, actually!)  Y’know, come to think of it, we have room for Jews.  Lots of them.  We’re very big on immigration here, y’know, because native-born Canadians have some bizarre aversion to reproducing.  We don’t have problems with pushy immigrants like the U.S.  We don’t erect giant fences surrounded by crazed armed Teabaggers and Republicans to keep Mexicans out.  We’d be thrilled to let the Mexicans in; believe me, Hispanics don’t have the aversion to @#$%ing that Canadians have.  Hell, if we were their next-door neighbours we’d be standing at the border with candy skulls and tamales and waving the Mexicans over.  We’d glad-hand them and invite them to stay, like, forever.  We’d offer bribes and prizes and pinatas stuffed with loonies and toonies and coupons for Molson’s beer to move here.

“Yeah, sure, this is what Canada really looks like. Don’t believe all that crap you hear about ice and snow and hockey. We’re totally into surfing and extreme tanning, just like you!”

And if they still refused, we’d probably force them at gunpoint to move awaaay from the border, send parties across it to kidnap a few zillion more Mexicans, and drag them back kicking and screaming.  We’d kidnap welcome Jews, too! I mean, eventually a tiny little rock like Israel’s gonna run out of room and the Jews are gonna need another homeland, and maybe they should think of Canada, eh?  We’ve got lots of room and they’d be right next door to the U.S., which is one of the few countries that doesn’t actively want to nuke the Jews back into the Stone Age.

“Shit, we missed. How’re we gonna explain this to Jordan?”

Maybe Israel’s fortunate it’s so far away or we might be kidnapping Jews and forcing them to live here too.  That’s how desperate we are to increase our population!  Don’t give me that look, like you think Canadians are far too polite and peaceful to pull a stunt like that.  Don’t you be fooled for a minute.  Mars Needs Women.  Canadians Need People.  Preferably people who like to have unprotected sex. Anyone, not just careless or impatient Mexicans and Jews.)

Anyway, I digress.  If there are only 15 million Jews in the world today, and 80% of them live in New York and Israel, where are the rest of them?  That leaves only two, two and a half million of them scattered everywhere else.

Hello? Other Jews? Where are yoooooou?

Which led me to ponder why, exactly, anti-Semitism was such a problem everywhere around the world when, if there are only two or three million Jews scattered across a planet of seven billion humacritters, how many anti-Semites have ever seen an actual Jew?

There are, like, only 1,500 Jews living in China, for example, a country not exactly famous for its dearth of humacritters.  You could live your whole life in China and never come within 100 miles of a single Jew, and yet a book alleging they run the world and have all the money was a best-seller there three years ago.  Now you hate someone you can’t even be sure exists, I mean you’re taking it on total faith that there are Jews, you’ve only ever seen the pictures and caught the occasional CNN video during some security lapses in the Great Firewall of China, but you really can’t be sure that this whole Jew thing isn’t all being faked on some secret sound stage in California with the former cardboard lunar module now cleverly re-taped and repainted to look like the alleged Dome of the Rock in alleged Jerusalem.

“Houston, we have a–er, I mean Salaam Alaikum!”

(Look, I have my doubts too. Except they’re not about Jews, they’re about Madagascar.  I’ve never seen Madagascar.  Granted, I’ve never schlepped on down to the Indian Ocean to have a look-see myself, but I kinda suspect that Lunar/Dome thing can also be squooshed down just as easily to be some big goofy-looking island.  I’ve never met anyone from Madagascar, have you?  I’ll bet you haven’t.  And I don’t “hate” Madagascar either, and you know why?  Because it doesn’t exist!!!  It would be like hating Lilliputians or the Avengers or Bigfoot.)

So anyway, to sorta misquote the Cowardly Lion (himself a Jew!), “I do believe in Jews!  I do believe in Jews!”  I may never be able to convince some hick Chinese farmer deep in the heart of Meizhou, but then he’s probably such a backwards dumbass he still believes in Creationism and Madagascar and that JP Morgan didn’t do anything wrong.

If you ask me, I’ll bet it was Madagascar who was behind 9/11.  Can you name a single Madagascaran who died in New York that day?  Can you? Can you??? I heard someone called all the Madagascarans (or Malagasies, as Wikipedia claims they’re called, since they clearly buy into that whole Madagascar-is-real nonsense which just goes to show you that Wikipedia is only slightly more reliable than Fox News for actual “facts”) and told them not to fly to New York that day.  Coincidence? I think not.

Malagasies. If they were real, they’d be totally evil and would try to eat your brains.

I heard no Lilliputians or unicorns died in New York that day either.

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4 Responses to “Do You Believe In Jews? I Do!”

  1. Do you believe in the existence of Malagasian Jews ? There are more of them than Malagasian Muslims.

    What about Heavy Metal Jews, like Gene Simons of KISS ?

    Was Sammy Davis ( Black AND jewish ) real or just a media construct ? ;)

    • Nicole Chardenet Says:

      *Malagasian* Jews?!?! Now you’re just messin’ with me! Next you’ll expect me to believe in Republicans who believe in global warming!!!

      • Republicans who believe in global warming – No, no,no, there are some things I just can’t believe in.
        Malagasian Jews – There are Ethiopian Jews, Chinese Jews, Korean Jews….. Korea Jews like kosher kimchi. ;)

  2. This is hysterical! Fortunately I live in So. Florida, a melting pot of every culture imaginable, and yes, there are plenty of Jews here—retirees, to be exact. And let me tell you, they have some stories to share….The great thing is that living here, not only do you have access to very type of ethnic food you can dream up, you get to experience different cultures first hand. And BTW, the unicorns are all living down here now, working on their tans with the Canadian snowbirds!

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