PARENTAL ADVISORY ALERT: There are no dirty, filthy, embarrassingly medical terms for human genitalia in this post. There are, however, dangerous opinions rendered by a v****a-packin’ uppity beeyotch which could make your Teabagging Uncle Robert blow a gasket at Thanksgiving when the talk turns to politics, as it inevitably does, despite your mother’s plea every year to PLEASE not mention Obama in front of Robert, or, for that matter, Rush Limbaugh to your extremist cousin Lydia who can be counted on to yell, “PLEASE PASS THE SWEET POTATOES TO THE SLUT!” while loudly declaiming any interest in the main event on the menu since it was apparently tortured, starved, caged, beaten, stomped on, waterboarded, and anally electrocuted at length before it plopped on the center of the table.
You can’t say v****a in Michigan. You know what I mean <wink wink, nudge nudge>. This is because of something Democrat state representative Lisa Brown said during a lawmaking session last week. I’ll paraphrase here for the delicate sensibilities of Michiganders (and by ‘delicate Michiganders’ I mean those lawmakers in possession of a li’l winkie who were nevertheless trying to pass laws controlling what Michigan women do with their tee-tee maker), who will pass out like Miss Pittypat with the vapours if I say the word v****a).
What Rep. Brown said, during a debate over legislation to impose more restrictions on abortion clinics was, ““I’m flattered that you are all so interested in my tee-tee maker [remember, I'm paraphrasing], but no means no.”
However, Republican (of course!) Representative Mike Callton, after he was revived with a lot of fanning and some smelling salts, said, “What she said was offensive. It was so offensive, I don’t even want to say it in front of women. I would not say that in mixed company.”
Thank you for your sense of propriety, Rep. Callton. Because most women have *no* idea what a v****a is and would have just gone and asked embarrassing questions of their mothers.
Boy! All that over the medical term for a lady’s tee-tee maker! Usually it takes the synonymous “C” word to send little old ladies – and Republican men – into a swooning fit. One wonders if Rep. Callton covers the legs of his pianos and blushes at the indelicacy of allowing books by male and female authors to inhabit the same shelf. Together! On the same shelf! Oh, the indecency of it all!)
Quicker than you can say, “Pass the KY jelly, I wanna get Princess Leia’ed tonight,” all those lawmakers with li’l winkies banned Ms. Brown and another female lawmaker from the chamber.
So of course, now that you can’t say v****a in Michigan, all Michiganders can do is shout about v****as. Let’s remember, the state isn’t all red, and as we all know from the antics of Bill Clinton, Anthony <snicker!> Wiener and John Edwards, liberal Democrats aren’t the slightest bit afraid of tee-tee makers. Republican politicians, on the other hand, as is demonstrated over and over again every time they step into a legislative session, are so deathly afraid of a woman’s tee-tee maker that the bulk of their sex scandals involve other men.
(A few notable Republicans such as Governor Mark Sanford and Arnold Schwarzenegger have been involved in sex scandals with women, but that just makes them deeply weird and maybe just a little bit perverted. They put their li’l winkie in her tee-tee maker?!?! EWWWWW!!! Gross!!! Girl cooties <snicker> of the very worst variety!!!)
Anyway, thousands of protesters showed up at the Michigan state capitol Monday evening for the express purpose of yelling vag–er, I mean tee-tee maker–at the top of their lungs and to demand the reinstatement of Rep. Brown as well as Democratic Rep. Barb Byrum, who did not say tee-tee maker in front of people with li’l winkies, but who nevertheless insisted on being heard while said li’l winkie possessors were busily working on yet more tee-tee maker control. It’s interesting to note that Rep. Byrum had already sponsored an amendment requiring any man who wanted a vasectomy for his li’l winkie to provide proof that it addresses a life-threatening condition or a medical emergency. I hope it also states that the decision to allow the vasectomy shall be rendered by an all-female panel, since obviously it’s a ludicrous idea that men have any right to decide what to do with their own bodies.
Eve Ensler, the famed writer of The Tee-Tee Maker Dialogues was there to read from her infamous ode to the yawning yoni while women waved placards that read Mitts off my bitts and I Didn’t Come From Your Rib, You Came From My Tee-Tee Maker (well okay, you know what she meant!)
Camille Paglia believes that the mighty muff’s ‘cosmic sexual power’ is what men truly fear and which has given women the power all throughout the ages, even if it doesn’t look like it, with purdah, burqas, red tents, female genital mutiliations and the whole ugly morass of misogynist history. And she may well be right, since all of these, clearly, are men’s historic attempts to control that which they all most desperately desire (well, except for the gay dudes anyway) and which as any straight women will attest they are constantly trying to get into.
Most men, it seems, can’t control themselves around ladies’ tee-tee makers, and men always want to be in control, so I guess it makes sense, in some weird twisted sense, for the more insecure ones to think they need to control access to those cunning crescents.
And if that’s going to be the case, boys, then from now on WE decide who is worthy of receiving Viagra.
Step away from the little blue pills, Mr. Limbaugh. The panel has rendered its verdict.