I have a dirty little secret. I miss penis enlargement ads. Between the successful takedown of several large spammers and my own efforts, I get almost no spam any more. Believe me, I don’t miss 99.999% of it. Just the best of the make her long for your schlong ads sent by people in countries for whom English is not to be speaking the language of primary. Many of these foreign fraudsters possessed all the communication skills of the friendly folks who brought us All Your Base Are Belong To Us or Engrish.
I adored the way they tried to find new and unique ways to refer to a man’s pride and joy without actually using the clinical term for it. (And I have to admit the cleverness lacking in calling it a ‘man’s pride and joy’ would not make it into Nicole’s Hall of Sham(e) below.)
Big enough for ya?
I don’t think anyone went broke underestimating the number of males who suspect they’re under-endowed, or who believe that having a perfectly normal ‘love cannon’ is simply not acceptable to modern females who want it to be no less than the size of the rod in a Tom of Finland cartoon. What was a wank fantasy for post-War gay males, apparently, is only good enough for today’s voracious woman.
“Smilin’ Bob” from the old Enzyte commercials. Bogus penis pills that were actually advertised on American TV for awhile in the early ’00s.
As much as we might laugh at the ridiculous claim that some miracle pill can produce three inches in a month or a thicker girth in seven days, articles I’ve read over the years indicate that not only men respond to these, but women as well. I am so curious about this! Do you hand them to your lover, a tacit admission that he’s not satisfying you? Or do you tell him they’re “vitamin supplements”? Or do you crush them into powder and mix them in with his mashed potatoes?
Every once in awhile some spammer’s servers got hacked and customer data was exposed for all the world to see just how massive and imposing some men’s…….gullibility really was. Several years ago I read of a case where an enlargement spammer’s customers included men with college educations and prominent jobs on Wall Street. (As Xaviera Hollander, the Happy Hooker once put it, “When the stocks go up, the cocks go up!”) You’d think these people would be smart enough not to fall for one-eyed trouser snake oil, but apparently the fear of not measuring up, as it were, overrides any logic circuits in the male brain and they whip out……..the ol’ credit card.
For awhile I kept a list of some of my favourite enlargement spam headlines. A few are more for, er, performance issues rather than size.
NICOLE’S MASSIVE MANDINGO HALL OF SHAM(E):
Make your love torpedo drive all the way to her tanker
Your girl very likes to be engaged in love! And can not you do love long?
Would you like to be a sculptor of your own penis?
(Does this involve plaster-of-Paris?)
Literally become a monster snake in my pants
(This just scares me. I don’t want to be a monster snake & I’m very sure if I was I wouldn’t fit in your pants even if your name was Michael Moore!)
Hoist your darling sexual times
The One Secret to Giving Your Woman Paralyzing Orrgasms That Will Have Her Brainwashed
(Does that mean I’ll turn into a Teabagger?)
Capture rapturous girls’ looks on your zipper protuberance!
(Jim is bustin’ out all ohhh-ver!)
Deeper in her shaft
Doping for your porksword…Be her mighty night predator!
(H1N1 isn’t now an STD, is it, you swine?)
2 Steamy Small penis sex Positions – Supercharge Her Pleasure No Matter How mSall You Are!
(Not an enlargement ad, obviously, but if all else fails…)
Don’t let porksword rust – Support your custard launcher – It’s like having a female catcher
(Three utterly unrelated mental images. I mean WTF is a ‘female catcher’?)
Make your tentacle work well – Prosperity in banging – Cures bed fast finish
(Attention all hentai lovers!)
Negroes admire with the of the size – we will surpass them!
(I have read that the real reason many men want bigger you-know-whats is to impress the guys in the locker room. Yes really. You can draw your own conclusions about the Average Male from that.)
Rasputin’s alleged preserved ding-dong, or just a giant clam?
Power up your pork rocket – Neither rod will stay so long – Nail her like a youngster
(How many rods do you have, exactly?)
Harder banging is real
(Good to know. I was afraid it was all a fig newton of my imagination!)
Your wood will be prefect for her fornicator – Lite your bedroom with fire once and for all!
(We’re gonna have to hurry before we die of smoke inhalation!)
Stop repelling your manliness – Get hot in a while – Make your intruder the best for her – If she is tired of your night games you can rock her world using our products!
You’ll brake walls with your boner
(Does this mean you can use your boner to brake your car so you don’t hit a wall?)
Your shlong can be shlonger
(Oh, that’s original.)
Virtual Sax can not be compared with real pleasure!
(Sex is still better than jazz music)
Make your weapon of love shoot twice more at one night! With our goods it isn’t a limit!
(Hope you’ve got a permit for that thing)
Your unstoppable love force will be all about you
(May the Love Force be with you, young Skywalker)
Desire will literally circulate in your wang
(That’s gotta feel weird)
Do not let your intentions in love go flop anymore!
Three girls at one night? It is easy for your manhood when you know our address in Internet!
(Because, like, the women who will agree to ménage-à-quatres live at your place?)
Get incredible sizing profit in pants
(Ironically this was for a thyroid drug!)
You can drill ladies better! Faster rod boosting!
The dangers of addiction.
Women will see your talent in drilling and banging
(Who knew carpentry was so erotic?)
Breakthrough in wang-liftin!
(Is this an Olympic event?)
Impulse for manliness ideals of bed-marathons
You’ll be able to invade so deep into woman, she’ll scream and shout like crazy
(“OW, MY STOMACH! OW, MY LUNGS! OW, MY THR–AIIGIIGGHHHLLLLLEEE!!!”)
Be her wild banger!
(But don’t mash her potatoes)
The quicker pecker picker-upper!
(Someone’s showing their age)
You’ll fap with eager on it
(WTF? I’m fairly certain ‘fap’ is a reference to masturbation, but why would you want to get bigger if you’re by yourself? Maybe you need to shoot over a few of those Hot Filpnio grils who are dying to meet YOU!!! spams)
If you aren’t American you may have missed the classic “Smilin’ Bob” Enzyte commercials:
Don’cha think if it was possible for medical science to give you a longer, thicker, harder, more massive Pied Piper that most men today would be forced to go everywhere pushing a wheelbarrow in front of them? Believe me, the marketing success is guaranteed. As soon as a REAL enlargement pill works, Pfizer and Eli Lilly will be all over it like a banker on a bailout!
Now if your problem is erectile dysfunction, and you’re short of cash, there is an alleged cure that’s a lot cheaper than Viagra…however, you’re not gonna like it…