It’s 2011. Video has gone from analog to digital, cheap-ass digital cameras today take better pictures than the expensive hoozit your dad had when you were growing up, and video cams can fit in your palm and record like eight years of video at a time. So why can’t anyone ever get any really decent video of Bigfoot or the latest ghost to haunt some Spanish-moss draped Southern mansion?
When I started writing this blog I worried that I might not have enough funny stuff to write about. It’s called Tongue of Dog’s Breakfast because I didn’t want to limit myself to a certain topic (like writing & publishing) and I’m a Pagan, so it just seemed natural to merge the dog’s breakfast with Shakespeare. I began subscribing to a newsletter for paranormal/weird news because, even though I’m not much into the paranormal myself (despite the Paganism), I do incorporate the paranormal a lot into my humor writing, although you’ll never find any drop-dead-sexy vampires or angels or dangerously hunky werewolves. I thought maybe this newsletter would provide me with funnier fodder than it has, and while I’ll continue subscribing to it – it did, after all, alert me to the Jim Morrison ghost story which I thought was very funny, mostly because it didn’t happen to me.
What I’m mostly finding, though, is that after like fifty or sixty years of weird-shit hunters combing every inch of the Goddess’s green earth seeking hardcore evidence for the existence of a variety of extremely shy mythical beasties, from chupacabras to the Montauk Monster, all we’ve got to show for it is yet another fuzzy, bouncing video of some sort of vaguely Bigfoot-shaped thing which could be Bigfoot, or it could be some guy in a monkey suit, or it might just be a Republican looking for a 2012 candidate who isn’t certifiably batshit insane.
I mean, this is the sort of lame-ass crap we’re still getting fifty years later:
Funny how in this day and age of satellite imagery and barely an inch of Earth left unexplored that we never run across any Bigfoot bones, baby Bigfoots or even any interesting Bigfoot scat. Just more incredibly lousy footage that looks like it was shot by your grandfather. While drunk. Maybe Bigfoot in reality is just a big fuzzy blur.
Ghost pictures are a little more humorous. At least when someone goes to the trouble of faking a really good picture, as opposed to getting all freaked out and thinking they’ve photographed something from Beyond when it’s actually the camera strap in the way or some condensation from a humid night.
But still, I’m disappointed. Okay, I know there’s no such thing as Bigfoot but really, people can do a better job of faking stuff than this. The original Bigfoot con job is a classic. It’s allowed to be blurry and jostle-y because it was like 1967 and they were probably using the same old 35mm jobbie your drunk granddad used to capture all those
embarrassing moments of your first poop all by yourself. I mean cripes, today we can make better videos and upload them to YouTube than Hollywood puts out half the time, so why can’t we fake a better Bigfoot video?
Now if you’ll pardon me, I’ve got a date with a Sasquatch. Dark, jiggly, out-of-focus video proof to follow.